Date

Before today I knew Turtle had another court date in August but I didn't know when. After the last court hearing in June his GAL had said the hearing was set for August but he couldn't recall the exact date. I was assuming it was mid month since that would be 60 days from the last one. I was secretly hoping not to know the actual date thinking maybe I would just cruise through the day none the wiser as to what was happening. At least that way I could avoid the anxious days leading up to court. Mr. Caseworker visited today and I just had to ask when it was and he surprised me by saying the 30th! I am excited to have another month with my sweet boy, but I really wish things would move faster so our Turtle could find his forever family. As much as I want to "save" him, I know that we are not his forever. I love him dearly, I will not even think about the day we will have to say good bye. I am desperately hoping bio dads rights will be terminated and the judge will have mercy on this sweet boy and give him the forever family he deserves. Mr. Caseworker will start the adoption "red file" process now to hopefully persuade the judge that there is a forever family waiting for him. I pray that if adoption is the answer that his adoptive parents will want to continue a relationship with us. I guess I am hoping for a lot, but I want nothing but the best for him.

Blog Hop

Before we became a foster family I spent hours and hours on the computer reading about other foster families experiences. Even though we are new to the world of foster care, I know I have gained so much by following these other moms through their own journeys. Here is a list of other foster blogs for you.

Labels

We have been on vacation for 11 days now, I think this is a record for us. My husband and 2 oldest boys went home after our time at the beach and me and the 6 younger kids have been at my mom's house for the past 6 days. It has been great but I am ready to be back in the comfort of my own home. Having a large family is pretty routine to me but I can tell it has been a little overwhelming to those around us who aren't used to it. I have to say that my kids are really well behaved though, they have gotten along for the most part, I just think the constant noise can be too much for some people. My mom was having a get together today at her house with some friends from church so I took my kids out for the day just to give her time to clean and prepare, and breathe! We saw the new Ice Age movie, well my kids did, I was out walking the lobby with a very noisy Turtle! I did get to see the end and stayed to watch the credits as the theme song played and I couldn't help but think how perfect that song is for us foster families. Yes we may look different and may not be your ordinary family but that's what makes us stronger. I love it, my new favorite song. When I came back to my mom's house her friends were all leaving, I overheard my older (step) brother explaining to someone that I was his step sister. When I heard him say that I have to admit it kind of stung a little. His mom, my step mom raised me, she has been a part of my life for the past 30 years. I have always called her mom, my youngest step sister has just always been my sister and I refer to my step brother as my brother. We aren't extremely close  but I probably have more of a relationship with him than  his 3 biological sisters do. I know he didn't mean any harm in it at all, I was just somewhat surprised to hear myself labeled that way, for me it sort of creates somewhat of a separation. That got me thinking about how we refer to Turtle. I never introduce him as my foster son, I just say this is Turtle and if asked I will say we are fostering. I have caught myself recently stopping myself from saying to my other kids, "your brother" when referring to Turtle. Like, "don't wake up your brother!" I don't know if I should refer to him as their brother or not. I know they all feel that bond with him, my 6 year old is always saying that it's just like Turtle is part of our family. I want to protect them from the heart break they will feel when he leaves but I know I can't, and calling him their brother won't make that any harder or easier. Maybe I am protecting myself, as if it will hurt any less when he leaves our home whether I call him my son or not. Having Turtle on vacation with us has strengthened our bond even more, I could see it as I watched my husband carry him proudly through a restaurant. I felt it as I held him close and experienced new places together. No one in the world loves this little boy as much as I do. Not his mother who chose a different life, not his father who sits behind bars, not his grandmother who has never seen him. Me, mama, mommy. My husband and I will have to have a very serious talk when I get home.

Easy

I didn't realize that I haven't blogged in such a long time. Our summer has been relaxing and pretty easy. We leave for our family vacation next week and I can't wait, I am excited to spend time with my family. I finally called Mr. Caseworker yesterday just to make sure it was ok for Turtle to travel with us. I don't know why I kept putting it off, I guess I knew it wasn't going to be a big deal I just wanted to make sure he knew where Turtle would be. After I got off the phone with him I thought, "that was pretty easy!" Then I had a little bit of foster mom guilt. I read several other foster blogs, since starting on this journey I have found comfort in hearing what others have experienced, and great inspiration as I try to navigate my way through the system. One particular mom has had to jump through all kind of hoops to take her kiddos on vacation with her, and I can't help but feel somewhat guilty that so far our journey through foster care land has been so easy. I don't have people coming in and out of my house all the time like I thought I would, we don't have bio parent visits to deal with, I see someone from our agency or Mr. Caseworker every few months. They come monthly but it's usually at the beginning of one month and then not until the end of the next month, not every 30 days. Turtle is a part of our family which is sometimes interrupted by a court date. I am grateful that so far things have been as drama free as possible, I know it won't always be this easy. I was watching my 9 year old play with Turtle in his high chair tonight and thought about how hard it is going to be on my kids when he leaves someday. They love him, I love him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him leaving, or the possibility of him staying forever. So nothing about foster care is really that easy, except loving these kids, that is definitely easy.

August

I really hate court days. I feel like I am freaking out on the inside but outwardly no one would ever know. Actually the last couple of days have been busy making sure Turtle would have everything he needed if he ended up going to grandmas. I have bought extra toys and clothes, and his favorite snacks. Two of my older kids had doctor appointments today then we ran around picking up the last of his WIC food, all the pictures I have ever taken of him, 189 in the last 2 months, not bad! My phone kept reminding me that court was happening in x amount of minutes. I couldn't help but think that this baby's life is about to change. Thankfully we were busy all morning but when we finally got home I saw the dreaded light blinking on my answering machine. There was a message from the GAL about 45 minutes before court, makes me a little upset that he didn't call sooner. He knows nothing about Turtle and had he bothered to call me earlier I could have given him alot of info to help Turtles case. Oh well, I called the number he left and surprisingly he answered! I apologized for not being home earlier (he is actually the same GAL for Drummer) we talked for a second then I had to ask what happened in court today. For being as tight lipped as he was for Drummer's case I was surprised he even told me anything but like last time pretty much nothing happened. I guess this was just a preliminary hearing to decide if an actual hearing was needed. I have no idea, but, another court date was set for August, he couldn't remember the date off hand which means Turtle will be with us until then and in the GAL's words, most likely after that! Yippee! As happy as I am that we get to love on this little boy for a little longer I grieve for him because I know that he needs and deserves a forever family. He has been in foster care since birth and by August he will be 14 months old. I don't understand why it is taking so long to make a decision in his case. Everyone always asks how long we will have him and I have to say I don't really know, our lives now are lived from court date to court date with a whole lot of loving in between. I am so excited to share the summer with him, we have a lot of fun things planned and the one thing my kids all said when I told them that Turtle would be with us until August is that "he gets to go to the beach with us!" I am so glad that they are happy to share their lives with him too.

One!

I had so much fun putting together this little party for Turtle, and by little I mean us, my in-laws, our best friends and their kids, our neighbors, and Mr. Caseworker! I believe first birthdays should be a big celebration, I know most think why have a big party when the birthday kid won't remember it but I think it is more about a celebration of their life and the joy that they have brought to ours. I told my husband that maybe I went a little overboard but he said Turtle deserves it, and you know what , hes right! We are so glad that we were able to share this special day with him, all day I had a lot of different feelings swirling around about that fact but I will save that for another post. I wanted to make sure Turtle ate a good dinner before diving into his cake but I probably shouldn't have fed him so much, he was a little too full to eat much cake but he did do a good job of spreading the frosting all over his face! I was really touched that the special people in our lives would take the time to come celebrate with us, we have incredible family and friends! When I texted Mr. Caseworker last week about our little party he said he was honored to have been invited and would of course be here. Have I mentioned how awesome he is? Turtle was way more interested in the tissue paper than his actual gifts but it was fun to watch him go crazy with the paper! He loves all his light up and music toys, my husband wanted him to have a musical table that would help encourage him to stand up, my daughter and I made him a blanket, it took all day Saturday to make but we are sure proud of it! He didn't come to us with anything "special" so now he has his own blankie, a super soft & squishy stuffed puppy and 3 bright and colorful books. I am a huge fan of children's books so I want to make sure all my kiddos leave with at least a few of their own. We had such a fun time, I feel so lucky to have this little guy in my life! Happy 1st Birthday Turtle, we love you so much!

 He was a little more interested in the balloons than his cake!

 Turtle loved the bright tissue paper! We had to take it away just to get him to look at his gifts.

Turtle and his very own blankie, he had lots of helpers who wanted to open his gifts!

Care

Yesterday I got a call from the hospital wanting to schedule Drummer's upper GI that the pulmonologist had ordered for him. I explained that he was my foster son but not longer lived with me. I let the scheduler know that I had given all of the information to his new foster mom and she was supposed to follow up with it which obviously she hasn't. I just had the thought that maybe she has gotten it done somewhere closer to her, it's a possibility. I want to think the best but it is not my first reaction. I could call his caseworker to let her know but I really don't think it would do any good. I actually had a dream last night that I did call her to check on Drummer and she informed me that he and his sister had been moved and were living with a hitch hiker! What the heck! I don't know what part of my subconscious that came out of! I guess that I will always worry about him and hope for the very, very best for him. That's the thing about foster care, these kiddos come into our lives for such a brief moment but they will never, ever leave our hearts. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I have had the opportunity lately to talk to several people about foster care. I love to share our experience and hopefully inspire others to get involved too. They always ask if it's hard to let them go and I say it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, it's brutal, gut-wrenching and just plain sucks. BUT, being a foster parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done, and I will put myself out there again and again for the opportunity to give these sweet kids the love and attention they deserve.