August

I really hate court days. I feel like I am freaking out on the inside but outwardly no one would ever know. Actually the last couple of days have been busy making sure Turtle would have everything he needed if he ended up going to grandmas. I have bought extra toys and clothes, and his favorite snacks. Two of my older kids had doctor appointments today then we ran around picking up the last of his WIC food, all the pictures I have ever taken of him, 189 in the last 2 months, not bad! My phone kept reminding me that court was happening in x amount of minutes. I couldn't help but think that this baby's life is about to change. Thankfully we were busy all morning but when we finally got home I saw the dreaded light blinking on my answering machine. There was a message from the GAL about 45 minutes before court, makes me a little upset that he didn't call sooner. He knows nothing about Turtle and had he bothered to call me earlier I could have given him alot of info to help Turtles case. Oh well, I called the number he left and surprisingly he answered! I apologized for not being home earlier (he is actually the same GAL for Drummer) we talked for a second then I had to ask what happened in court today. For being as tight lipped as he was for Drummer's case I was surprised he even told me anything but like last time pretty much nothing happened. I guess this was just a preliminary hearing to decide if an actual hearing was needed. I have no idea, but, another court date was set for August, he couldn't remember the date off hand which means Turtle will be with us until then and in the GAL's words, most likely after that! Yippee! As happy as I am that we get to love on this little boy for a little longer I grieve for him because I know that he needs and deserves a forever family. He has been in foster care since birth and by August he will be 14 months old. I don't understand why it is taking so long to make a decision in his case. Everyone always asks how long we will have him and I have to say I don't really know, our lives now are lived from court date to court date with a whole lot of loving in between. I am so excited to share the summer with him, we have a lot of fun things planned and the one thing my kids all said when I told them that Turtle would be with us until August is that "he gets to go to the beach with us!" I am so glad that they are happy to share their lives with him too.

One!

I had so much fun putting together this little party for Turtle, and by little I mean us, my in-laws, our best friends and their kids, our neighbors, and Mr. Caseworker! I believe first birthdays should be a big celebration, I know most think why have a big party when the birthday kid won't remember it but I think it is more about a celebration of their life and the joy that they have brought to ours. I told my husband that maybe I went a little overboard but he said Turtle deserves it, and you know what , hes right! We are so glad that we were able to share this special day with him, all day I had a lot of different feelings swirling around about that fact but I will save that for another post. I wanted to make sure Turtle ate a good dinner before diving into his cake but I probably shouldn't have fed him so much, he was a little too full to eat much cake but he did do a good job of spreading the frosting all over his face! I was really touched that the special people in our lives would take the time to come celebrate with us, we have incredible family and friends! When I texted Mr. Caseworker last week about our little party he said he was honored to have been invited and would of course be here. Have I mentioned how awesome he is? Turtle was way more interested in the tissue paper than his actual gifts but it was fun to watch him go crazy with the paper! He loves all his light up and music toys, my husband wanted him to have a musical table that would help encourage him to stand up, my daughter and I made him a blanket, it took all day Saturday to make but we are sure proud of it! He didn't come to us with anything "special" so now he has his own blankie, a super soft & squishy stuffed puppy and 3 bright and colorful books. I am a huge fan of children's books so I want to make sure all my kiddos leave with at least a few of their own. We had such a fun time, I feel so lucky to have this little guy in my life! Happy 1st Birthday Turtle, we love you so much!

 He was a little more interested in the balloons than his cake!

 Turtle loved the bright tissue paper! We had to take it away just to get him to look at his gifts.

Turtle and his very own blankie, he had lots of helpers who wanted to open his gifts!

Care

Yesterday I got a call from the hospital wanting to schedule Drummer's upper GI that the pulmonologist had ordered for him. I explained that he was my foster son but not longer lived with me. I let the scheduler know that I had given all of the information to his new foster mom and she was supposed to follow up with it which obviously she hasn't. I just had the thought that maybe she has gotten it done somewhere closer to her, it's a possibility. I want to think the best but it is not my first reaction. I could call his caseworker to let her know but I really don't think it would do any good. I actually had a dream last night that I did call her to check on Drummer and she informed me that he and his sister had been moved and were living with a hitch hiker! What the heck! I don't know what part of my subconscious that came out of! I guess that I will always worry about him and hope for the very, very best for him. That's the thing about foster care, these kiddos come into our lives for such a brief moment but they will never, ever leave our hearts. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I have had the opportunity lately to talk to several people about foster care. I love to share our experience and hopefully inspire others to get involved too. They always ask if it's hard to let them go and I say it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, it's brutal, gut-wrenching and just plain sucks. BUT, being a foster parent is the most rewarding thing I have ever done, and I will put myself out there again and again for the opportunity to give these sweet kids the love and attention they deserve.

Quiet

Things have been relatively quiet here. We have had an incredibly busy last few weeks with baseball, end of the school year activities and my oldest son's graduation. Yesterday we had a pool party and celebrated the May/June birthdays in our family. It was so fun to include Turtle in all of the festivities of our long 5 day weekend. I even told my husband that he fits right in. We were able to celebrate Turtle's birthday with our extended family and it was so sweet of everyone to sing to him and give him little gifts. I have the best family, and am so lucky that everyone is supportive of our role as foster parents. I am excited to plan Turtle's actual birthday party this week, now that things have quieted down a little we can look forward to a fun 1st birthday celebration! Since becoming foster parents just 2 short months ago everything has been sort of a whirlwind of events and emotions. I wasn't prepared for how quickly I would become attached to my boys and how much it hurt when Drummer left. Having Turtle come into our lives that very same day was actually a blessing, crazy yes but good for us. It has been amazing to watch the changes in Turtle, both physically but also in his countenance too, you can't help but see it. This morning as I came downstairs he caught sight of me and army crawled just as fast as he could over to me, he definitely knows I'm his mama! I am so glad that I get to love on him and that I have been blessed to have him in my life. So for now we are going to enjoy the next couple of weeks of summer and not think about what will happen next!

Time

We bought ourselves a little more time with Turtle yesterday! Court was postponed for 4 weeks because of a conflict of interest between the attorneys for dad and Turtle so Turtle is being assigned a new GAL and court is set again for 6/13. By 5 o'clock I hadn't heard from Mr. Caseworker so I texted him to see how things went. About half an hour later he called back to explain what happened. I am relieved and excited. When I told my kids that Turtle gets to stay with us another month we all did a happy dance around the room. Of course he has no idea what is going on but it was so fun to see my kids genuinely happy. I have been thinking so much about what my role is in his life and what really is best for him. I feel like if I am going to survive the world of foster care I have to be okay with letting my babies go home. The hardest thing is knowing that 9 out of 10 times we or another adoptive family could provide a much better life for these kids but is that really what is best? I think I have to come to terms with the fact that family is family and as long as it is safe for them to return home or with another family member then that is where they need to be. Going into this I really wanted to help strengthen families, we haven't had the opportunity to work with birth parents yet but I hope when we do it will be positive for everyone. If there really is no reason for Turtle not to be with his Grandma then who am I to stand in the way?  I just want so much for these babies to grow up loved, to have a chance at a successful future. I want the same things for them as for my own kids but maybe even more because it will be so much harder for them. Yesterday I attended an awards ceremony with my second oldest for an anti-drug video he made. We had the opportunity to hear from our County attorney who spoke to the kids and shared a little about his life and how he grew up in south LA, raised by a single mom. One thing he said that really stuck with me is that your circumstances in life do not dictate who you are or what you can become. That is true for all of us. I think I have been prepared for my role as a foster mom my whole life because of the experiences I've had growing up. We all have the choice to dwell on the negative things or get on with life. I choose to keep on swimming! I love being a foster mom, the good the bad and the ugly, I love it. Others may not think so but I think foster parents are a choice people. What we are asked to do, love these kids like ours and then let them go-I have never had to do anything harder in my life. It hurts, it hurts bad but we survive and we open our hearts to the next child that needs us because we know that our hurt is nothing compared to theirs. So, a lot of thinking going on here, I am learning as I go and with each new experience will come more confidence. The great news in all of this is I get to plan a 1st birthday party! Can you guess what the theme is going to be? Turtles of course!

Two

Two more days until the fate of our sweet boy is determined. Mr. Caseworker just came by for his monthly visit, he was 10 minutes early in fact! Despite the fact that he forgot about last weeks visit I still really like him. We talked for awhile about what could possibly happen at court on Wednesday. Unlike Drummer's caseworker, he is very open and shared quite a bit with me. Apparently the judge assigned to Turtle's case is the most pro-bio family judge in the county. Great. Not what I was hoping for. Turtle's paternal grandma passed the home study but only marginally, she is dependent on the state to meet her financial needs. I know that she is family but she has never seen him, she has no relationship with him and he's about to be a year old. I also found out that she didn't even raise Turtle's father, he grew up in group homes himself. It breaks my heart knowing that there is a strong possibility that he will be placed with her. I could tell that Mr. Caseworker really loves this little boy. He has been his case manager since birth and has watched him grow up. I am glad that he came to see us, he admitted that he was initially against Turtle being moved from his first home, but now that he has seen him and the progress he has made in just the past month he is happy for him. He kept saying how much he's changed, that there is a 110% difference in what he can now do. He just sat here for awhile watching him play, not really saying anything. I think he was actually a little emotional! So sweet that there are people in the system that do love these kids and they become attached to them too. The next few days will be hard, I don't even know if he is leaving but just thinking about it I get a huge lump in my throat. It just stinks that this little boy has been through so much already, he needs a family. I  hope that the judge will see that and give our little Turtle a chance to have a life full of love and happiness.

By the way, I managed to keep my house clean all week for todays visit. I even scrubbed my scary bathroom! My daughter's room is still a mess (she's grounded until it gets cleaned!) and the playroom is beyond help but it didn't matter because he never looked around! I know the one time that I throw caution to the wind and my house is a disaster will be the time someone decides to check in all the rooms! In all honesty it's never really that bad,  last week was just a little crazy and it got the best of me!

Forgotten

Yesterday we had an appointment scheduled with Turtle's caseworker. About 30 minutes after he was supposed to be here I sent him a friendly text asking if he was still planning on coming out today. Kudos to him he replied right away very apologetically that he forgot to put the meeting on his calendar and would need to reschedule. I can't tell you how frustrating this is. I have come to expect it but I am very busy too and am usually squeezing them into my schedule so if they run late it throws my day off too. Not to mention the stress I put on myself to clean the house, although that's not a bad thing I do stress over it! I am learning though, I never got to my daughters room and the playroom is a disaster but figure there was at least a 90% chance that he wouldn't even look around so I'd probably be good. I should have figured in the last 10% that he'd be a no show! I realized the other day that nobody except Mr. Caseworker even knows that I have him in my home. I don't even know how that is possible but the DE$ department that sends us our monthly billing statement showed no record of Turtle being here or even that Drummer had left, then I had to call CMDP the other day because of a problem getting a rx for Turtle and the nice lady that was helping asked if I was E****, the former foster mom. Nope, not me. So basically Mr. Caseworker has not filed the necessary paperwork to let anyone know that we have baby Turtle and as far as anyone else is concerned he is still somewhere else. I know there are a lot of kids in care and the system is overwhelmed but these are children and not one of them should ever be forgotten.