Change

Mr. Caseworker called on Monday, I didn't listen to my messages until late Tuesday afternoon. He left me a message saying there has been a ruling in the case. Bio dad's rights were terminated and Grandma's petition was denied. Is it possible to be both happy and sad at the same time? As soon as I heard the news I did a little fist pump, Yesssss! Then I began to tear up. I know that if I don't give myself that time to let it all out I won't. I hate to cry in front of my kids so I ran up to my room but stopped to grab a phone on my way so I could call my husband, then my son wanted to tell me something so by the time I made it to my room for some alone time the moment passed and the tears wouldn't come. They are there though, my heart is heavy because I know the end for us is near. I am sooo happy for Turtle though, and for the family who doesn't even know that they will soon be getting a call to adopt our sweet boy. I can't imagine doing anything harder than what we are about to do. When I told my kids last night that Turtle is going to be adopted they were all happy for him, but my sweet six year old little boy started crying right away. I assumed he was sad that Turtle would be leaving but he said he was sad for Turtle that he couldn't go home to his family. I quickly had to explain to him the cold hard facts of why Turtle can't be with his parents, and also reassure him that Turtle doesn't  know any better, he is happy, we love him and are taking care of him until he can go to his forever family. As a mom I feel somewhat guilty for sort of crushing my children's innocence. They are aware of so much more than most children growing up in "normal" families. They know there is a world out there where mommys and daddys choose drugs over their kids, where parents end up in prison and can't take care of their kids. I also know they are gaining so much by us being a foster family, I am so amazed by them everyday. So many emotions going on. This is all so new to us, I'm not sure how long this whole process will be. There is another foster family  on my son's football team and I know their last foster child was just adopted a little bit ago so I will definitely be picking their brains tonight at practice so I can get a better idea of just what to expect. Again, so happy for our little Turtle but so sad for me. I will go through the heartbreak again and again and again though because they are worth it, and I just can't imagine walking away from these kids.

Hope

As of today I still haven't heard if the judge has made a ruling in Turtle's case. I am getting a little tired of people asking me but I know they mean well. Mr. Caseworker came by last week for his monthly visit. I asked him how he felt court went, telling him that my husband and I left thinking it really could go either way. He said he really didn't feel that way at all and was pretty confident that the ruling would be positive. I am relieved by still very guarded. I never get my hopes up, I just hate being disappointed! So until we know for sure I will still believe that things could go either way. I am not pessimistic just a realist, but I do feel at peace and even hopeful that the best outcome will happen for our sweet boy.

Nada

So here it is almost 3 weeks since court happened I haven't heard anything! I wasn't really expecting to hear anything last week but for sure this week and so far nothing. I texted Mr. Caseworker on Friday reminding him of something he said he was going to do but hasn't and just said let me know as soon as you  hear anything regarding Turtle's case. He didn't reply. I am not that anxious about it considering there is just nothing I can do at this point, I just wish I had the answers. After going through the crazy emotions of court and the possibility of him leaving I told my husband, I hope you know he's not going anywhere! I was dead set on this sweet boy never leaving our home. When we began the process of becoming foster parents my husband was very clear that he would support my desire to foster 100% but we were not adopting. Nothing against adopting, we think it is wonderful but we have been blessed with 7 great kids and for now we choose to just be a foster home. I am definitely open to the idea of adopting one day. Turtle has been in care since he was born, if we were his first and only home I think there is no question that we would want to adopt him. It has been a hard self journey for me but I truly believe that my role in his life is as his foster mommy. I know that each child that comes into our home is there for a reason, I don't know what that is but I do believe that God has a plan and I have to give up control. I think the only way I can muddle my way through foster care land is to really believe that. If adoption is meant to be for us then we will know without a doubt that that is what we should do. I know if we were to adopt Turtle it would be for purely selfish reasons, to avoid the pain that will be inevitable when he leaves. There are sooo many families waiting to adopt and I do feel good that we can help make someone else's dream come true. I keep telling myself this in the hopes that it will make it easier to let him go! My 9 year old son said the other day ," I'm ready for the next one." All of them love Turtle and I know we will take awhile to heal once he leaves but I think this is just God's way of preparing their hearts for when he does leave. My kids have been amazing, I am so proud of them for stepping up and accepting our foster kids completely. It has opened their eyes to a whole other world and it has been so neat as a mom to watch them grow in so many ways. For now we will just keep doing what we do, loving our sweet boy and creating forever memories.

Court

I should have updated earlier but I think I just needed time to process. Long story short, no decision was made that day but I will tell the long story anyway.  I was such a wreck that day! I know that I am a strong person, things really don't bother me but this was different. We live in this world of foster care but for us we have been somewhat removed from all the hard stuff. We don't have bio visits, I don't have people coming over all the time, I just take care of our little guy and live our lives. Going to court that day made it all very real. All along I knew there was a grandma out there who wanted Turtle but actually seeing her, hearing her voice just made it all too real. My husband and I sat in the back of the courtroom, we were all waiting for the grandma to show up so the hearing could start. I was secretly hoping she just wouldn't come! When she finally did show up she opened the door and asked if this was where she was supposed to be. She couldn't see us, and we couldn't see her from where we were seated but just hearing her voice made me tear up. I told my husband that I didn't think I could do this. I just can't bear the thought of him leaving us to live in  a life of poverty. If this case were just a matter of financial concerns there would be no case. She is his family and that's where he belongs but because of grandma's loooong criminal history it is just not a safe place for him to be. Grandma did herself no favors that day, let's just say she is a very interesting individual. After 3 long hours of testimony the judge took the matter "under advisement" and he has up to 60 days to make a ruling. The attorney thinks we should hear something in about 2 weeks. My husband and I both left thinking that this could go either way. It will be a tragedy if he leaves, not only for us but for him. Turtle deserves to grow up in a home full of love with opportunities to do all the things that kids do. I know that she can't give him that. So once again we wait. I am not thinking about it all the time, I think my heart is trying to pull away. My brain wants me to think that it will be ok if he leaves, that I will have so much more time to myself, that I need a break, that the future is too unknown for me to take on. In reality I know it is just the opposite, but I am in survivor mode trying to protect myself form heartbreak. I knew it wouldn't be easy but it is very definitely worth it, he is worth it.

Hard

Today is the day. I told my husband this morning that this is the hard part. We live every day like any other normal family but then there are the days like today when you realize nothing about being a foster family is normal. Who would willingly put themselves through this? We must be slightly crazy. I am being completely unproductive this morning, watching the clock, praying, crying, not sure what to do with myself. I want to sit and cuddle with Turtle but now that he's walking he's not having it! I am so grateful that he is young enough to have no idea what could really happen today. I keep going through different scenarios in my mind as to how things could go, how will I react, how I will I tell my children. I just don't know, we haven't been down this road before. I didn't make a big to do about saying good bye to Turtle this morning, if he leaves there will be time for that still. My kids know about today but I'm not sure they really understand what a big deal it is. I wish I had some of their innocence! My agency representative offered to go with me to court but then I never could get a hold of her and she didn't bother returning my calls. I really didn't want to go alone and without even asking, my husband said he'd go with me. I am grateful for him but somehow that makes it even a little more emotional. Going with someone I barely know I would be more inclined to hold it all in, but being there with my husband I don't know if I can! Going to court today serves many purposes, the first is that I am hoping our presence shows the judge that Grandma is not the only option. I am also hoping that if things don't go our way that I will leave with some sense of peace about it. If not, it will make it that much harder to let him go. This is not easy, but loving him is and I will gladly go through the hard stuff for the opportunity to be his mama if only for a little while.

Nerves

Court is on Thursday. Last week I started to feel the nerves creeping in, now there is an indescribable anxiousness that has taken over my whole body. Almost my every thought has something to do with what is happening this week. Even my husband is getting anxious. We know it is going to be hard if he leaves. Every one of my kids is begging us to adopt him. I just don't have answers for them yet. It is crazy to think that just one person holds Turtle's entire future in his hands. I wonder if the judge really understands how great of a responsibility that is or if he is just doing his job. I pray that he "gets it". I am not required to attend these court cases but I will be there this time. I want the judge to see that there are people in this world who love this little boy and care about what happens to him. I think that the only way that I can reasonably get through this is to know that it is just not in my hands. I have to believe that God has a plan and it may not be what I think is right but I have to put my trust in Him and have faith that whatever the outcome may be it is truly His will.  These next few days I will try to prepare for him leaving but I don't think I will pack up everything. His stuff is mainly in one place so if needed I can quickly gather his toys and clothes. I want to spend my time holding him a little longer, saying I love you a little more often, and kissing those big chubby cheeks a few more times!

Baby Steps

Guess who is walking! Over the last week Turtle has gone from taking 1-2 steps between the couches to standing up by himself in the middle of the room and walking! I am one proud mama! The progress he has made these past 4 months has been nothing but amazing. When he came to us at 10 months old he was just barely sitting up by himself. We have been blessed to see him roll over, army crawl, crawl on all 4's, pull himself up, cruise around the furniture and take his first steps. I know that these are exciting milestones for all parents but we celebrate each and every accomplishment as if it was the most exciting thing that has ever happened! At a family party tonight he showed off his new skills to our family as they cheered him on! Have I told you  how amazing he is! I tell everyone that being a foster parent has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I love it. It is hard work, an emotional roller coaster, but it is times like these that make it all worth it!