Timing

If I've learned anything in foster care land it's that everything moves sooo slowly. I have definitely had to learn to give up control. It is almost impossible to make concrete plans and at times that drives me crazy! As a mom of a large family I have to be planned and organized otherwise our lives would be so hectic, but as a foster mom I have to give some of that up. I have been trying to figure out how long it will take for the state to find an adoptive home for our Turtle. I am in no way in a hurry to see our boy go but I need to prepare my family as best as I can. Even though we know he will be leaving there is really no timeline so it still doesn't seem quite real, our lives continue on like normal yet with a huge gray cloud hanging over our heads. When I think I have things figured out, I learn that I don't. Mr. Caseworker texted me yesterday asking if he can come for one more visit next week before he turns the case over to the adoptive case manager. I was under the impression that he had already done that and I was just waiting for someone to be in contact with me. So another 2 weeks go by where progress could have been made but hasn't. It is somewhat frustrating because my one and only concern in all of this is Turtle. I am so torn. The longer he is here the more attached he will become but I don't want to say goodbye yet, at the same time I want him to start his life with his forever family as soon as possible. How do I plan for the holidays? Will he be here for Christmas? If he is and we are in a transition period with his adoptive family will they want him for Christmas and how will I handle that? So many questions and no one to answer them for me. It is seriously going to make me nuts if I let it! I am glad that for the most part I can just easily go with the flow. Life goes on and we will keep loving on our sweet boy and count everyday that he is here with us as a blessing!

Change

Mr. Caseworker called on Monday, I didn't listen to my messages until late Tuesday afternoon. He left me a message saying there has been a ruling in the case. Bio dad's rights were terminated and Grandma's petition was denied. Is it possible to be both happy and sad at the same time? As soon as I heard the news I did a little fist pump, Yesssss! Then I began to tear up. I know that if I don't give myself that time to let it all out I won't. I hate to cry in front of my kids so I ran up to my room but stopped to grab a phone on my way so I could call my husband, then my son wanted to tell me something so by the time I made it to my room for some alone time the moment passed and the tears wouldn't come. They are there though, my heart is heavy because I know the end for us is near. I am sooo happy for Turtle though, and for the family who doesn't even know that they will soon be getting a call to adopt our sweet boy. I can't imagine doing anything harder than what we are about to do. When I told my kids last night that Turtle is going to be adopted they were all happy for him, but my sweet six year old little boy started crying right away. I assumed he was sad that Turtle would be leaving but he said he was sad for Turtle that he couldn't go home to his family. I quickly had to explain to him the cold hard facts of why Turtle can't be with his parents, and also reassure him that Turtle doesn't  know any better, he is happy, we love him and are taking care of him until he can go to his forever family. As a mom I feel somewhat guilty for sort of crushing my children's innocence. They are aware of so much more than most children growing up in "normal" families. They know there is a world out there where mommys and daddys choose drugs over their kids, where parents end up in prison and can't take care of their kids. I also know they are gaining so much by us being a foster family, I am so amazed by them everyday. So many emotions going on. This is all so new to us, I'm not sure how long this whole process will be. There is another foster family  on my son's football team and I know their last foster child was just adopted a little bit ago so I will definitely be picking their brains tonight at practice so I can get a better idea of just what to expect. Again, so happy for our little Turtle but so sad for me. I will go through the heartbreak again and again and again though because they are worth it, and I just can't imagine walking away from these kids.

Hope

As of today I still haven't heard if the judge has made a ruling in Turtle's case. I am getting a little tired of people asking me but I know they mean well. Mr. Caseworker came by last week for his monthly visit. I asked him how he felt court went, telling him that my husband and I left thinking it really could go either way. He said he really didn't feel that way at all and was pretty confident that the ruling would be positive. I am relieved by still very guarded. I never get my hopes up, I just hate being disappointed! So until we know for sure I will still believe that things could go either way. I am not pessimistic just a realist, but I do feel at peace and even hopeful that the best outcome will happen for our sweet boy.