Nada

So here it is almost 3 weeks since court happened I haven't heard anything! I wasn't really expecting to hear anything last week but for sure this week and so far nothing. I texted Mr. Caseworker on Friday reminding him of something he said he was going to do but hasn't and just said let me know as soon as you  hear anything regarding Turtle's case. He didn't reply. I am not that anxious about it considering there is just nothing I can do at this point, I just wish I had the answers. After going through the crazy emotions of court and the possibility of him leaving I told my husband, I hope you know he's not going anywhere! I was dead set on this sweet boy never leaving our home. When we began the process of becoming foster parents my husband was very clear that he would support my desire to foster 100% but we were not adopting. Nothing against adopting, we think it is wonderful but we have been blessed with 7 great kids and for now we choose to just be a foster home. I am definitely open to the idea of adopting one day. Turtle has been in care since he was born, if we were his first and only home I think there is no question that we would want to adopt him. It has been a hard self journey for me but I truly believe that my role in his life is as his foster mommy. I know that each child that comes into our home is there for a reason, I don't know what that is but I do believe that God has a plan and I have to give up control. I think the only way I can muddle my way through foster care land is to really believe that. If adoption is meant to be for us then we will know without a doubt that that is what we should do. I know if we were to adopt Turtle it would be for purely selfish reasons, to avoid the pain that will be inevitable when he leaves. There are sooo many families waiting to adopt and I do feel good that we can help make someone else's dream come true. I keep telling myself this in the hopes that it will make it easier to let him go! My 9 year old son said the other day ," I'm ready for the next one." All of them love Turtle and I know we will take awhile to heal once he leaves but I think this is just God's way of preparing their hearts for when he does leave. My kids have been amazing, I am so proud of them for stepping up and accepting our foster kids completely. It has opened their eyes to a whole other world and it has been so neat as a mom to watch them grow in so many ways. For now we will just keep doing what we do, loving our sweet boy and creating forever memories.

Court

I should have updated earlier but I think I just needed time to process. Long story short, no decision was made that day but I will tell the long story anyway.  I was such a wreck that day! I know that I am a strong person, things really don't bother me but this was different. We live in this world of foster care but for us we have been somewhat removed from all the hard stuff. We don't have bio visits, I don't have people coming over all the time, I just take care of our little guy and live our lives. Going to court that day made it all very real. All along I knew there was a grandma out there who wanted Turtle but actually seeing her, hearing her voice just made it all too real. My husband and I sat in the back of the courtroom, we were all waiting for the grandma to show up so the hearing could start. I was secretly hoping she just wouldn't come! When she finally did show up she opened the door and asked if this was where she was supposed to be. She couldn't see us, and we couldn't see her from where we were seated but just hearing her voice made me tear up. I told my husband that I didn't think I could do this. I just can't bear the thought of him leaving us to live in  a life of poverty. If this case were just a matter of financial concerns there would be no case. She is his family and that's where he belongs but because of grandma's loooong criminal history it is just not a safe place for him to be. Grandma did herself no favors that day, let's just say she is a very interesting individual. After 3 long hours of testimony the judge took the matter "under advisement" and he has up to 60 days to make a ruling. The attorney thinks we should hear something in about 2 weeks. My husband and I both left thinking that this could go either way. It will be a tragedy if he leaves, not only for us but for him. Turtle deserves to grow up in a home full of love with opportunities to do all the things that kids do. I know that she can't give him that. So once again we wait. I am not thinking about it all the time, I think my heart is trying to pull away. My brain wants me to think that it will be ok if he leaves, that I will have so much more time to myself, that I need a break, that the future is too unknown for me to take on. In reality I know it is just the opposite, but I am in survivor mode trying to protect myself form heartbreak. I knew it wouldn't be easy but it is very definitely worth it, he is worth it.