Change

Mr. Caseworker called on Monday, I didn't listen to my messages until late Tuesday afternoon. He left me a message saying there has been a ruling in the case. Bio dad's rights were terminated and Grandma's petition was denied. Is it possible to be both happy and sad at the same time? As soon as I heard the news I did a little fist pump, Yesssss! Then I began to tear up. I know that if I don't give myself that time to let it all out I won't. I hate to cry in front of my kids so I ran up to my room but stopped to grab a phone on my way so I could call my husband, then my son wanted to tell me something so by the time I made it to my room for some alone time the moment passed and the tears wouldn't come. They are there though, my heart is heavy because I know the end for us is near. I am sooo happy for Turtle though, and for the family who doesn't even know that they will soon be getting a call to adopt our sweet boy. I can't imagine doing anything harder than what we are about to do. When I told my kids last night that Turtle is going to be adopted they were all happy for him, but my sweet six year old little boy started crying right away. I assumed he was sad that Turtle would be leaving but he said he was sad for Turtle that he couldn't go home to his family. I quickly had to explain to him the cold hard facts of why Turtle can't be with his parents, and also reassure him that Turtle doesn't  know any better, he is happy, we love him and are taking care of him until he can go to his forever family. As a mom I feel somewhat guilty for sort of crushing my children's innocence. They are aware of so much more than most children growing up in "normal" families. They know there is a world out there where mommys and daddys choose drugs over their kids, where parents end up in prison and can't take care of their kids. I also know they are gaining so much by us being a foster family, I am so amazed by them everyday. So many emotions going on. This is all so new to us, I'm not sure how long this whole process will be. There is another foster family  on my son's football team and I know their last foster child was just adopted a little bit ago so I will definitely be picking their brains tonight at practice so I can get a better idea of just what to expect. Again, so happy for our little Turtle but so sad for me. I will go through the heartbreak again and again and again though because they are worth it, and I just can't imagine walking away from these kids.