Hard

Today is the day. I told my husband this morning that this is the hard part. We live every day like any other normal family but then there are the days like today when you realize nothing about being a foster family is normal. Who would willingly put themselves through this? We must be slightly crazy. I am being completely unproductive this morning, watching the clock, praying, crying, not sure what to do with myself. I want to sit and cuddle with Turtle but now that he's walking he's not having it! I am so grateful that he is young enough to have no idea what could really happen today. I keep going through different scenarios in my mind as to how things could go, how will I react, how I will I tell my children. I just don't know, we haven't been down this road before. I didn't make a big to do about saying good bye to Turtle this morning, if he leaves there will be time for that still. My kids know about today but I'm not sure they really understand what a big deal it is. I wish I had some of their innocence! My agency representative offered to go with me to court but then I never could get a hold of her and she didn't bother returning my calls. I really didn't want to go alone and without even asking, my husband said he'd go with me. I am grateful for him but somehow that makes it even a little more emotional. Going with someone I barely know I would be more inclined to hold it all in, but being there with my husband I don't know if I can! Going to court today serves many purposes, the first is that I am hoping our presence shows the judge that Grandma is not the only option. I am also hoping that if things don't go our way that I will leave with some sense of peace about it. If not, it will make it that much harder to let him go. This is not easy, but loving him is and I will gladly go through the hard stuff for the opportunity to be his mama if only for a little while.

Nerves

Court is on Thursday. Last week I started to feel the nerves creeping in, now there is an indescribable anxiousness that has taken over my whole body. Almost my every thought has something to do with what is happening this week. Even my husband is getting anxious. We know it is going to be hard if he leaves. Every one of my kids is begging us to adopt him. I just don't have answers for them yet. It is crazy to think that just one person holds Turtle's entire future in his hands. I wonder if the judge really understands how great of a responsibility that is or if he is just doing his job. I pray that he "gets it". I am not required to attend these court cases but I will be there this time. I want the judge to see that there are people in this world who love this little boy and care about what happens to him. I think that the only way that I can reasonably get through this is to know that it is just not in my hands. I have to believe that God has a plan and it may not be what I think is right but I have to put my trust in Him and have faith that whatever the outcome may be it is truly His will.  These next few days I will try to prepare for him leaving but I don't think I will pack up everything. His stuff is mainly in one place so if needed I can quickly gather his toys and clothes. I want to spend my time holding him a little longer, saying I love you a little more often, and kissing those big chubby cheeks a few more times!

Baby Steps

Guess who is walking! Over the last week Turtle has gone from taking 1-2 steps between the couches to standing up by himself in the middle of the room and walking! I am one proud mama! The progress he has made these past 4 months has been nothing but amazing. When he came to us at 10 months old he was just barely sitting up by himself. We have been blessed to see him roll over, army crawl, crawl on all 4's, pull himself up, cruise around the furniture and take his first steps. I know that these are exciting milestones for all parents but we celebrate each and every accomplishment as if it was the most exciting thing that has ever happened! At a family party tonight he showed off his new skills to our family as they cheered him on! Have I told you  how amazing he is! I tell everyone that being a foster parent has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I love it. It is hard work, an emotional roller coaster, but it is times like these that make it all worth it!