Hard

Today is the day. I told my husband this morning that this is the hard part. We live every day like any other normal family but then there are the days like today when you realize nothing about being a foster family is normal. Who would willingly put themselves through this? We must be slightly crazy. I am being completely unproductive this morning, watching the clock, praying, crying, not sure what to do with myself. I want to sit and cuddle with Turtle but now that he's walking he's not having it! I am so grateful that he is young enough to have no idea what could really happen today. I keep going through different scenarios in my mind as to how things could go, how will I react, how I will I tell my children. I just don't know, we haven't been down this road before. I didn't make a big to do about saying good bye to Turtle this morning, if he leaves there will be time for that still. My kids know about today but I'm not sure they really understand what a big deal it is. I wish I had some of their innocence! My agency representative offered to go with me to court but then I never could get a hold of her and she didn't bother returning my calls. I really didn't want to go alone and without even asking, my husband said he'd go with me. I am grateful for him but somehow that makes it even a little more emotional. Going with someone I barely know I would be more inclined to hold it all in, but being there with my husband I don't know if I can! Going to court today serves many purposes, the first is that I am hoping our presence shows the judge that Grandma is not the only option. I am also hoping that if things don't go our way that I will leave with some sense of peace about it. If not, it will make it that much harder to let him go. This is not easy, but loving him is and I will gladly go through the hard stuff for the opportunity to be his mama if only for a little while.